Way back in October of 2008, a parody site called KISS Burger went live with only their logo.
A few months later the full website would be revealed with these ridiculous catchphrases:
KISS BURGER: OUR MEAT… YOUR MOUTH!
AT KISS BURGER… WE WANT TO PUT OUR MEAT INSIDE YOU!
It seemed that someone was having a whole bunch of fun knowing how KISS seems to brand everything. I mean, there was a KISS casket, I mean Kasket for sale at one time.
Luckily I had saved a good majority of what was written on the website and it’s below for you to enjoy.
Also, I want to be clear I didn’t write any of this nor do I necessarily agree with everything written.
For nearly three decades fans from all over the globe have been trying to get KISS meat in their hands and into their mouths — Well now is your chance!
I’m Gene Simmons co-founder of KISS – the greatest Rock and Roll band in the land – and I’m very proud to announce our latest venture – a national restaurant chain called KISS BURGER.
Why choose KISS BURGER over those other Jokers and Clowns, you ask? That’s easy…
The 3 key principles of the KISS BURGER manifesto!
Quality Meat! KISS raises our own KISS KATTLE on our KISS Ranch.
HORNY COWS ARE HAPPY COWS…
And happy cows just taste better! That’s a proven fact.
At KISS BURGER we only use meat from cows raised on our very own KISS RANCH located in Calabasas, CA. Why are our cows so happy? Our KISS KATTLE are allowed to roam freely on 200 acres of God’s green earth all the while enjoying KISS music and videos 24/7 on a state-of-the-art media system. And promiscuity is greatly encouraged.
Our cows and bulls are massaged daily by Thai hookers and fed a steady diet of rich whole grains, Spanish Fly and a small does of street-grade PCP. Trust me, I don’t condone drugs – and I never even had a sip of alcohol in my entire life – but there is something about this PCP that kicks the flavor up a notch. The end justifies the means.
Remember our cows are slaughtered in a very friendly Kosher style. One minute they’re watching “Kiss Meets the Phantom of the Park” in the barn, the next they’re in twenty pieces in a meat truck. They never see it coming.
Before the angry letters arrive, let’s clear one thing up. All you tree-hugging hippy vegans can eat my Demon Dong. You hypocrites have no problem dancing across a field in gnarly sandals to some LSD-soaked jam band, all the while trampling thousands of ants to death in the process. I guess an “Insect Holocaust” is acceptable, but God forbid some decent hard-working people get a great burger at a great price.
You know the saying: “If God didn’t want us to eat cows, he wouldn’t have made them out of hamburger meat!”
KISS BURGER MENU
A Simple KISS Menu and Easy Pricing plan for our customers.
MENU & PRICING – KISS BURGER’S PLEDGE OF CUSTOMER SATISFACTION
“Keep It Simple, Stupid.” Those are words to live by and the four words that KISS BURGER was founded on. Give the people what they want at a price they can afford and you will never go wrong.
You see, people expect consistency and familiarity to make them feel safe — trust me, why do you think KISS has been playing the same set list since 1978. Here at KISS BURGER we have the three main food groups covered: Burgers, Fries and Shakes — and nobody does them better than KISS BURGER. Nobody.
We don’t think small – neither should you, that’s why all items on the KISS BURGER menu come in three sizes: Big, Bigger, and Biggest. Anyone who tells you that size doesn’t matter is either lying or has never plowed a Playboy Playmate unconscious with their Rhino-sized Rod Meat.
NO HIDDEN COSTS!
At KISS BURGER you don’t need to be a certified public accountant to figure out how much your meal will cost. Every single item on the KISS BURGER menu is priced at $2.50! It’s that simple.
No tricky “99 cent” menu crap. No useless coupons — ever try cutting one of those things out with scissors? You’ll be lucky if you only lose one finger in the process. Special sales? What purpose does that serve other than to “devalue” our food. We know the value of our products and so will you once you taste our meat.
ULTIMATE VALUE: THE KISS KOMBO!
If you’re looking to order more than two items from our menu we offer the “KISS KOMBO” Package * – That’s right, for just $10 we will arrange any 3 items in a convenient takeout bag or and easy to carry 4-sided tray. (* includes a $2.50 handling fee)
KISS Burger – Get any 3 menu items for just $10! (a $2.50 grouping fee has been added)
Our unique patented KISS flavored “LOVE GUN” Secret Sauce!
TASTE OUR MEMBERS…
Every successful business needs to have a unique angle to beat out the competition. At KISS BURGER we have literally “beat off” the competition with our pattened “LOVE GUN” Secret Sauce! (contains the DNA from at least 2 original members of KISS)
McDonald’s thought of mixing ketchup and thousand island dressing – thanks for the effort, you drunken Irish mime! Wendy’s advertises that they use “fresh meat” – right next to a picture of a young girl in pigtails. Perverts. In ‘n Out Burger hides secret religious messages in their wrappers. Oy Vey! Carl’s Jr. allegedly hates minorities – (look it up) And lastly, El Pollo Loco has been transmitting secret signals to Mexicans for years begging them to come to California – mainly to attack Carl’s Jr. in 2010 – so it’s a wash, basically.
At KISS BURGER we’re determined to give our customers the best quality product we can deliver – without relying on cheap gimmicks. At KISS BURGER we let the food do the talking!
We not only select the best ingredients possible, we ARE the ingredients. That’s right, our KISS BURGER “LOVE GUN” SECRET SAUCE actually contains DNA from at least two founding members of KISS – GUARANTEED! Quality you can taste in every bite — and extra protein your body needs!
I can’t tell you how our DNA got there – but trust me, it’s in there…
So you want to be part of the KISS BURGER organization? That’s easy to understand — everybody loves a winner. First we need to gather some basic information about you so we know that you have the attitude, character and drive to be a KISS BURGER team player! We might look like clowns, but we don’t hire them. Also, we need to screen out the toothless losers and drug-crazed hippies!
BASIC MULTIPLE CHOICE QUESTIONS:
1) Who is your favorite Rock and Roll band?
2) How important is it to you that KISS are inducted into the “Rock and Roll Hall of Fame” this year?Somewhat Important
They’re not in already?
3) How much of your disposable income do you spend on KISS merchandise?
I currently have the KISS KASKET on a lay-a-way plan
4) Would you be willing to be paid for your work at KISS BURGER with KISS merchandise instead of cash?
Depends on the merchandise
A case of Psycho Circus ice scrappers? AWESOME, dude!
5) If a train carrying 500,000 copies of KISS ALIVE III is heading southeast going approximately 60 miles per hour, how long will it take before KISS announces another “Farewell Tour”?
Not soon enough
Whenever they damn well feel like it
Tickets on sale tomorrow
6) You’re driving down Sunset Boulevard when a 60 year-old man with very natural wirey jet black hair and giant jowls pulls up to you in a Range Rover waging his tongue like an anteater. What do you do?Lock my doors and drive away
Call Chris Hansen
Pull over, sign a non-disclosure agreement, and perform oral sex in his SUV
7) You wake up nude in the supply room of your new place of employment. There is white and black clown makeup on your chest and pubic area. What would you do?
File a false and libelous police report
Apologize for “napping on the job”
Shave off your pubes and sell them on eBay!
8) A Priest, a Rabbi, and a grown man dressed as a clown walk into a bar. The men order drinks. What does the clown order?
A glass of red wine
A vodka tonic with a lime twist
Nothing. As he made quite clear, he has “never tasted alcohol in his entire life.”
9) What is your favorite Rock and Roll oriented Website on the Internet?
10) If you could have dinner at any Restaurant in the world, where would you eat?
——– STOP ——-
IMPORTANT: BEFORE YOU HIT THE “SUBMIT” BUTTON BELOW MAKE SURE YOU ANSWERED EACH QUESTION HONESTLY AND ACCURATELY.
We get many questions asked here about various aspects of KISS and the new restaurants. Check below to read some of the Frequently Asked Questions regarding KISS BURGER that we presented to the management!
KISS have dominated the world in virtually every way musically and marketing-wise (Gold records, Kiss Caskets, Kiss Condoms, Coffee Shops, etc) — Why the KISS BURGER chain? Why now?
It’s not just a burger chain, it’s an American institution. A symbol of all that is good and right with the United States. With the economy going through such a tough time we thought it was only right to invest in the nation’s financial infrastructure. To build new stores, employ people, and offer a good meal for a great value. KISS BURGER is our way of saying thank you to the fans and people of the world.
You’re a shrewd businessman, but the restaurant business is tricky. How do you plan on beating the competition?
I have a survival instinct in me that has allowed me to succeed at whatever I put my mind toward. There are no failures. I have never even had a sip of alcohol in my entire life simply because I don’t want to be off my game for even one second. I look at the competition like I do at Palestinian children — I want to beat them.
…um, Okay… How do the other members of KISS feel about the restaurant chain?
The members of KISS really surprised me on this one. They all played a role, especially Ace and Peter. They really helped deliver the goods.
Deliver the goods? Are you saying Ace and Peter are actively involved in the KISS BURGER corporation?
Yeah, they drive the delivery vans and help deliver the goods and supplies to the various stores around southern California. $450 a week — off the books. Ace is also learning how to cook. Last week he made Buffalo wings for the staff. He used actual buffalo meat. Little tangy, but with Bleu cheese dressing… eh, not so bad. Peter said he wanted to cook as well, but he didn’t show up so we might give his uniform to someone else.
So you supply your own KISS BURGER stores from a central supply warehouse?
Exactly. I like to keep the costs down. After 35 years of touring with the world’s greatest rock and roll band you learn how to cut corners and trim the fat.
Can you give us some examples?
Sure, on the 1995 KISS Reunion Tour, Paul and I forced Ace and Peter to sleep with their makeup on each night. That way we didn’t have to pay a makeup person every day. Once a week they got a “touch up.”
To cut costs you made Peter and Ace sleep in their KISS makeup?
And share a room.
But that “KISS Reunion Tour” brought in tens of millions of dollars, right?
Did you really need to treat Ace and Peter like that to save a few grand?
$11,583.50 — It all adds up.
There are people who think you’re a little too concerned with money and it might affect the KISS BURGER chain.
Well, for starters the “All You Can Eat Salad Bar” is only available to paying customers for “7 minutes” and “one trip only” – Why?
It’s all about “flipping tables.” If you want to have a successful restaurant you need to flip as many tables as you can. Flipping means to “seat new customers as soon as possible.” The last thing you want is some overweight Mexican woman from Van Nuys filling her fake plastic arm full of shrimp and wings for two hours.
It’s a lot like the movie industry, shorter movies mean more screenings per day, per theater. When we made the “Detroit Rock City” movie the director gave me a cut of the film that was three and a half hours long. It had a whole subplot where the kids end up on some French Plantation in Vietnam. It was a mess. I took the film away from him and edited it down to 95 minutes. It was an instant hit and a huge financial windfall.
Bottom line — More customers equals more money. More money means less people you have to take shit from. Period.
I read an interview where you claim that “KISS Burger is the first food chain based on characters wearing clown makeup” — are you freaking high?
First of all, I have never taken drugs. I’ve never even tasted Alcohol in my life. Second of all, name one restaurant chain that is based around someone in clown makeup and I will pay you a million dollars!
That guy from McDonalds? I did research. He’s a mime – not a clown. Clown’s talk, mimes don’t. Next…
Do you think some of the menu items on your new “extended menu” are somewhat inappropriate or at least sexist?
No, I said “sexist” — for example on the kid’s menu you have an item called “The Pearl Necklace” which is basically two small chicken breasts covered in a “circular spray of hot white sauce.” Is that really needed?
That dish happens to be delicious. Plus, we got Pearl Drums to do a sponsorship deal. It’s a win-win all around. I stand behind our menu.
Well, I read that you did actually in fact remove a few items due to complaints and public pressure. True?
We removed one item from the menu from our stores in West Hollywood.
That menu item was the “Fur Burger”?
Yes. The “Fur Burger” was an item we tried to market to the lesbian marketplace… It was actually a tuna melt on a folded pita with wheat sprouts jammed along the edge. I’ll admit, we didn’t do our research and it did more harm than good so we removed it as not to offend any more women.
Trust me, I adore and worship women. They are the reason we exist. My mother was a woman. Shannon is a woman. Most of the women I’ve slept with are women.
Your menu is quite interesting to say the least. Why the decision to infuse many traditional Jewish ingredients such as Challah bread and Gefilte fish into a national Burger chain?
Well, firsthand, I’m Jewish. And very proud of that fact. The Jewish people take great pride in who we are. As God’s “Chosen People” I think we have an obligation to share our culture with the world around us.
Excuse me. Did you just say “Chosen People”?
Yeah. In the Book of Deuteronomy, God proclaims the Nation of Israel, known originally simply as the Hebrews, as His holy people, chosen above all others.(Deuteronomy 7:6)
That’s pretty cool. So does that mean all Jewish people are the “Chosen People”?
Pretty much, yeah. If you’re Jewish, you’re in. You’ve won the express limo to heaven. Backstage pass. Meet and greet. The works, baby.
Even financial scammers guys like Bernie Madoff, Michael Milken and Ivan Boesky?
What about like sleazy ticket scalpers, pornographers, guys that download spy-ware on to you computer, medicare fraud companies, telemarketers, fat guys in slick sweat suits named Stuie who sell online sports handicapping packages for college football games – Are they in as well?
Everyone of them… Chosen.
How about the “Son of Sam” killer David Berkowitz – there’s no way he’s on any Express to Heaven.
Starts with a “C” and ends with a “N”
Wow. You’re a lucky bastard.
Do all the members in KISS still have their real hair?
What the fuck does that have to do with KISS BURGER?
Nothing, I was just trying to catch you off guard.
I’m never off guard. Always on my game. That’s why I have never tasted alcohol.
But you have tasted pastries — A lot, right?
What’s your point, loser?
You seem to be obsessed with talking about how much you NEVER drank alcohol. Do you get like money or something from AA every time you ramble on about how sober you are?
No, I just think that people who drink and do drugs are useless. They are wasting their lives and they will never amount to anything. Why would anyone settle for driving a supply van for a fast food restaurant unless they were broken as a human being?
Wait, you said earlier that Peter and Ace drive the supply van for KISS BURGER, is this a swipe at them?
I love Peter and Ace dearly. I would never do or say anything to hurt them. They are part of the KISS family.
Wow. That almost sounds passive/aggressive to me — like you’re trying to control them “emotionally” in case you need them in the future.
How does Paul figure into the KISS BURGER organization?
Paul has an important role and has really helped to expand the menu by adding different salads and fruit dishes into the mix. Paul tossed my salad last week. It was awesome.
Is that a joke? Are you trying to imply that Paul is gay? Because I think that would be news to his wife.
Oh, yeah, his “wife” — I forgot about that.
Why are you doing the “finger quotes” when you say the word “wife”?
Because I just wanted to emphasis that he has a “wife” and is “clearly not gay.”
They have kids, you know that?
Any advice to people out there as the year 2009 unfolds?
I say do not limit your dreams. I say do not be afraid to explore new territory. To survive you must evolve. To survive you must change with the times. History is written by the winners, and the winners are constantly moving forward.
So you’re still doing the “fire breathing dragon-demon in leotards” thing?
As a well-known public figure, how do you feel about satire and parody?
Nice try, Dickbag. You think you’re being real clever, don’t you? I’m going to own you. You’ll see.
KISS BURGER – BACKSTAGE V.I.P. MENU!
Besides our standard menu of outstanding Burgers, Fries and Shakes, KISS BURGER is adding some new and exciting items to our menu — items that reflect the greatness and unique personalities of the four original members. I think you’ll find something to please everyone!
PAUL’S BALLS – MATZO BALL SOUP
You haven’t lived until you’ve had one of Paul’s warm round balls in your mouth! From an old Eisen family recipe, once you cradle a warm bowl of Paul’s balls in your hands you will be a true believer. Best Matzo ball soup in LA!
ACE’S “STONED-OVEN” PIZZA
We don’t know what the hell Ace has been putting on these pies, but it sure isn’t Oregano. One of the more popular “BACKSTAGE” menu items, one slice and you’ll be seeing spacemen! Sloppier than one of his post-1975 solos, this is the only item we let Ace cook — seriously, how could anyone screw up a pizza?
“GOD OF THUNDER” FIREHOUSE CHILI
Feel the Heat – Heaven’s on Fire! Fire, indeed! And by “heaven” we mean your mouth! Trust me, there aren’t even enough KISS song titles to do this chili justice. It’s, er…um.. Hotter than Hell… Boy, even I’m bored with this one. I guess the chili is good, tho. It’s not like KISS fans would eat up whatever crap we served them, right?
THE “PEARL” NECKLACE
Two plump chicken breasts coated in a circular spray of hot white sauce! Now that’s hot! This mouth-watering meal made a big splash with the ladies. (FYI – We asked Peter come up with a special dish for the menu, however he wanted too much money. Instead we got his drum company Pearl to sponsor this dish.)
GENE’S MINI WEINERS AND “LICK IT UP” DIPPING SAUCE
Kids are people too! And more people means more potential KISS FAN$! We have the perfect bite size snacks to keep those little demons bastards in line. Mini weiners jammed into soft round buns – they go great with our patented “Lick It Up” dipping sauce. And remember, we use only the finest Kosher meats in our products!
TRIPLE DECKER DEMON BURGER
The burger that separates the “Men from the Goys!” This burger features all the quality ingredients of our standard KISS BURGER – PLUS an added third layer of tongue meat and Gefilte fish! Available on either rye or Challah bread.
LET PAUL STANLEY “TOSS YOUR SALAD!”
KISS BURGER has just added a new “all you can eat”* salad bar to our California-based restaurants. On Friday nights Paul will be at our West Hollywood location to toss your salad personally.Trust me, I’ve known Paul for like 40 years and have seen him work magic with fruits and vegetables. Who knows, maybe his “wife” will show up too. (* salad bar is limited to one trip per person, and is only available for 7 minutes after initial purchase.)
Due to pressure from the guys over at “The National Organization for Women,” KISS BURGER has removed the “Fur Burger” from our menu. We apologize to those in the lesbian community for our poor judgment. For more details please check the “Frequently Asked Questions” section on this site.